Thoughts
by Axmodefred
Summary: Thoughts of love are spoken.
1. Of Us

DISCLAIMER: All characters belong to Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy. I  
don't own anything.  
SUMMARY: Thoughts of love are spoken.  
SPOILERS: None.  
DISTRIBUTION: If you want it take it just let me know where it is.  
AUTHOR'S NOTES: This was my first fic. I looked it over and decided to  
repost it and correct the mistakes I made the first time I posted it.  
Feedback: As always I need the encouragement.

( Buffy's P.o.V )

" I love you. I have loved you from day one. You saved my life did  
you know that ? I was alone and frightened and so close to the edge. I  
had lost so much and never had a best friend before I meet you. You  
showed me that I didn't have to be alone. I was a stranger in a new  
place, just a face in the crowd. But the moment I saw I knew I had to  
get to know you and maybe borrow a little of the light and innocence  
that surrounded you."

" God ! do you know your what keeps me going? That you are first thing on  
my mind in the morning and the last before I go to sleep at night. My  
dreams are full of you. Your Lips, Your smile, the light in your eyes  
when you're happy and how my heart breaks when you're sad. The sound of  
your laughter is like music or how I want to make you laugh forever. "

" But you don't see me do you ? You only see him. I sit outside in  
the sun watching you laugh and smile at him the way I wish you would  
with me. I watch him kiss you and I want to kill him. Finally when I had  
gotten over my stupid infatuation with the unattainable and gotten ready  
to confess my secret to you, you were coming to me for advice about him  
because I'm your best friend. And because I love you and I want your  
happiness above my own I helped you win him over. "

" So here I sit watching you sleep in my room in my bed probably  
dreaming of him talking to myself. Saying in the dark all those thing  
that I'm afraid to say in the light of day. You are so beautiful in your  
so peaceful like an angel. You're my own personal angel. And I sit and  
watch you sleep and listen to you breath. I'm so caught up in your spell  
I don't notice you wake up until you call my name."  
"What?"  
" I asked if you were ok " you mumbled sleepily  
" I'm fine just came back from the bathroom." I lie easily " Go back to  
sleep you're meeting your guy for breakfast in a few hours." I smile at  
you. You smile back dreamily " That's why I love you. You're always  
thinking about others first." you reply and kiss me on the cheek and  
snuggle back down into the warmth of blankets pulling me also down with  
a yawn and cuddle up close to me your head on my shoulder." Love you  
too" I reply as sleep claims you totally unaware of the state your  
innocent displays of friendly affection left me in . "More than you will  
ever know. " I say as inhale the scent of your hair. So I state once  
again I love you and will love you forever. And I will wait for a day  
when I can tell you this.

Because I know that will come, it has too. That thought alone keeps  
me sane on nights such as these as I drift off to sleep and dream of  
you.


	2. Of Balance

DISCLAIMER: All characters belong to Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy. I  
don't own anything.  
SUMMARY: Sequel to Thoughts of Us  
SPOILERS: Surprise. Innocence, Phases and Becoming Part 2  
DISTRIBUTION: If you want it take it just let me know where it is.  
AUTHOR'S NOTES: This is also response to a fic challenge. Also my second  
fic attempt. That and this idea has been bugging me for a while.  
Feedback: Please If you like it let me know, if you didn't let me know  
so I can write something you do

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(Buffy's Pov)

Please forgive me Willow

It's my fault and I know it. I attained the unattainable. And it  
nearly destroyed us all. I saw you falling for Oz and let myself fall  
for Angel when it was you I wanted- strike one. I almost let jealousy  
cloud my judgement and nearly got were-Oz killed- strike two. I let my  
pride go before reason and got Kendra killed, Giles captured and  
tortured, Xander hurt And you my precious Willow hospitalized and  
comatose- strike three I'm out. I knew that as watched you lying there  
so still and pale I would never be deserving of anything from you but  
your friendship. All these thoughts were swirling through my head as I  
faced off with Angelus. "No friends, No weapon, No hope, Strip it all  
away and what's left who will save you" he taunted as he stood over me  
ready to end my life. I was ready to die until your smiling face flashed  
before my eyes. I realized I was prepared to die but I wasn't prepared  
to let you die.

"Willow said ... Kick his ass" Xander said as we stood out side  
the mansion. He lied to me I realize that as I watch Angel get sucked  
into Hell. I had Angelus on his knees before me ready to end this night  
mare and save the world and more importantly to me you when he got his  
soul back. He was confused and I started to cry because I knew what I  
would have to do in order to save everything send an innocent man to  
hell. So caught up in my guilt trip I didn't even notice one of  
Angelus' hench vamps pick up his sword from where it lay until he ran me  
through with it as he sank his fang into my neck. Your name on my lips  
as my blood flowed into the vampire behind me and out around the blade  
of the sword sticking through my stomach. I could feel the darkness  
pulling at me welcoming me I heard your voice and tried to call out to  
you but that was my greatest mistake of all as I tried to breathe in to  
respond I swallowed the blood from the cut hand being held over my  
mouth. The Darkness claimed me as I realized what was happening I was  
being turned.

Do you know what is created when a slayer is turned. I didn't but  
that was my greatest nightmare that I would find out. A slayer is being  
of light a vampire is one of the dark . Like matter and anti-matter like  
cats and dogs like two things drawn to each to destroy each other. A  
soul and a demon in one body Angel pulled it off because of a gypsy  
curse. But in me the demon and the soul combined into a new being caught  
in the grey between light and dark and good and evil. The first thing I  
did as woke up the next night after I slayed my sire was check on you.  
Part of me wanted to kiss you and beg for forgiveness. But part of me a  
big part of me wanted to kill Xander for lying and claim you as my  
I ran from your window away from your house. In the few hours  
I've been what ever it is I am now I've learned that I'm stronger and  
faster than I was before. I can fly now too and my sense are of the  
chart. I have a reflection too. But I also have a Vampires' bloodlust  
and need for blood I found that out this evening as well when I saved a  
girl from a vampire only to nearly kill her my self. God what kind of  
monster am I. I drank her blood felt her life slowly drain away and  
enjoyed it. But the girl is alive she at the hospital I got her there in  
time to save her life. That's how I know I can fly I flew to hospital.  
But I also learned fire won't kill and stake through the heart just hurt  
like hell and healed as soon as I removed it. So I am sitting here  
watching the sun rise into with not so much as tendril of smoke coming  
off me as I bask in the warmth of the sun. I am writing to let you know  
why I've left Sunnydale. Until I can control my impulses better so I  
don't hurt you or anyone else I can't stay here any more. So please know  
that I Love You. I can't be a threat to you when I want nothing more to  
protect you. I can't be around Xander and be his friend when I want to  
snap his neck for lying to me. I can't forgive my own mother when I  
could just as easily to rip her heart out for throwing me out and  
thinking I killed Kendra. Or look Giles in the eye when I could just  
finish where Angelus left off with no problem. You my precious one I  
want nothing more than take you and make love to you and at the same I  
want to claim you take you as my own whether or not your willing. I want  
to kill my family and friends and yet I don't. And I don't have a  
problem with doing any and all of things I've said. I don't know which  
would happen if I saw any of you face to face. So until I do be safe.

All my love  
Buffy

With tears in her eyes Willow looked out her bedroom into the dark  
sky. Conflicting emotions running through her head. Hope and fear the  
prevailing two. Hope that Buffy would return in control and they would  
have a chance to be together. Fear that she wouldn't or worse yet she  
would return and kill them all. She gently folded the letter back up and  
placed it back into it's envelope and placed it in her desk drawer.  
Willow sent a silent prayer to whoever was listening to protect them and  
her friend as she wheeled herself over to her bed. "Good night Buffy  
Wherever you are" she whispered as she slowly drifted off into a  
dreamless sleep barely hearing " Sleep well My love" drift in from the  
figure outside her window as it faded in to the night. 


	3. Of Betrayal

DISCLAIMER: All characters belong to Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy. I  
don't own anything.  
SUMMARY: Part Three Of the Thoughts series. Revelations are made. Lies  
are exposed and a frightening truth is shared.  
SPOILERS: Takes place after Season Two but Before Season Three  
DISTRIBUTION: If you want it take it Just let me know where it is  
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Third fic attempt so sit back and enjoy the show.  
Feedback: Please read and review. I thrive on the praise of others and I  
use the negative comments as a reason to try harder next fic

( Willow's P.o.v )

" You didn't tell Buffy I was going to try to curse Angelus again did  
you Xander ? " I say all of sudden into the companionable silence we've  
been sitting in located in various places around Giles' apartment after  
returning from one of our now routine patrols in Buffy's absence. I  
watch as the color drains from my oldest friends face and every eye in  
the room focuses on him. I haven't told any one about the letter she  
left for me yet and I know I have to because some thing is coming I can  
feel it in my bones and in my soul.

" Wha...what makes you say that Will? " Xander stutters his reply. "  
Just Answer My Question Xander Did You Tell Her Or Not ? " I say barely  
controlling my rising anger. He looks around the room everyone is  
waiting for his answer and he knows it. " No I didn't because  
Angelus..." His honest response is cut as I slap him as hard as I can  
knocking him to the floor. " Why did you lie to her Xander ? " I shout  
as he sits on the floor holding his rapidly reddening cheek. " I did it  
because Angelus should pay for what he did to us, for killing Ms.  
Calendar." He responds " And what of Angel Xander ? the man who saved  
us countless times the one who wanted redemption for the crimes of his  
demon ? " I bellow

The others a silent in their shock that I actually stuck Xander. Oz  
his usual stoic self but I can tell he is shocked too. " To Hell with  
Angel he deserved what ever he got he was a monster ! " He shouts as he  
rise off the floor wearing my hand print. " Exactly the point you never  
saw any difference between the two. " I rasp through clenched teeth. "  
What the point to all this any way Angel is gone and so is Buffy."  
Cordelia speaks cutting me off. " The point is because of Xander here  
Buffy was forced to send Angel to Hell not Angelus." I reveal. " How  
could even you know that Willow? " Giles asked into the silence

" Buffy left a letter for me explaining exactly what happened after  
Xander got you out of the mansion." I explain as I turn to face him. "  
You know Buffy blames herself for everything that happens to us whether  
or not it her fault in reality so imagine how she would feel after  
sending her lover to Hell but that is the least of our problems right  
now I suggest you stop looking for her Giles because you may not want to  
find after I say what I have to next. She was distracted after the fight  
she was attacked by a vampire and turned." I see Giles go from a livid  
purple to ghostly white at my final revelation. " I don't think you'll  
find Buffy until she wants to be found. She left because she was  
wrestling with what ever she is now and was afraid she'd hurt us." I  
finish saying my piece and leave in the ensuing silence Oz right behind  
me as I walk to his van.

( Oz's P.o.v )

There is more to this then Willow is telling. She be distant ever  
since Buffy left at first I thought it she was just missing her best  
friend but now I'm not so sure. But as watch her sitting beside me on  
our way to her house I realize I won't know until she tells me or until  
Buffy comes home either I don't think it's going to go over well. All I  
can do is be here for my Willow as long as she allows me to be. I just  
can't shake the feeling that life in Sunnydale is going get really  
interesting when Buffy gets back and I don't mean that in a good way.

Xander. I can actually believe that he would lie to Buffy about  
Willow recursing Angel. I've seen the way he looks at Willow when we're  
together and it's the same way he looked at Angel and Buffy. He's  
jealous of me the same way he was of Angel. But at least I now know to  
watch my back around him.

( Giles' P.o.v. )

My God. Buffy turned. Xander lying about the curse. A thousand and  
one thoughts race across my mind the council must be notified. A turned  
slayer is unprecedented as far as my knowledge goes. I fear what might  
happen if Buffy loses control. I pray she is strong enough to maintain a  
balance an not kill anyone. I shudder at the possible carnage of enraged  
slayer-vampire hybrid could do. " Please leave I must consult with the  
council immediately abut Buffy" I say absently to Xander and Cordelia. I  
stop mid thought I can't just let Xander leave like this. " Xander." I  
call and he an Cordelia stop at the door. The pain and fear in his eyes  
is unmistakable." I understand why you did what you did but that doesn't  
excuse the fact you betrayed someone who trusted you with her life and  
who you owe your life to as well." He looked at me and nods and allows  
Cordelia to lead him out the door of my home.

After they have left I pour myself a drink and pick up the phone. I  
hope the council can help me save my slayer or what ever she is now.  
"Get me Quintin Travers please it is an emergency call from Rupert Giles  
in Sunnydale."

( Cordelia's P.o.v )

I can't believe Xander would lie to his all powerful Buffy. I'm  
watching Xander break down as I drive him home. It's a very scary  
thought Buffy as one of those things that she protects us from. God Help  
us All because I don't think any one else can. I am almost sorry I got  
involved with this group of losers. For all their faults they really are  
the type of friends you can count on not to stab you in the back or at  
least so I thought so until tonight.

( Xander's P.o.v. )

What have I done. I've betrayed Buffy. Lost Willow's trust or at  
least her respect. I am totally afraid of what will happen when Buffy  
returns. Just because of my stupid jealousy. I destroyed my life and put  
those around me in danger with one lie. And I don't how to fix it.

( ? p.o.v )

A new town a place to hide and maybe find a way to stop running.


	4. Of History

DISCLAIMER: All characters belong to Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy. I  
don't own anything.  
SUMMARY: Part four of the Thoughts Series. Buffy's search for balance  
leads to secrets of the past  
SPOILERS: Slight Helpless but none really.  
DISTRIBUTION: If you want it take it just let me know where it's at.  
Feedback: If like it let me know, If you hate it let me know I need the  
help. Just please read and review.  
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Thank you to all those who sent feedback about my  
previous fics you know who you are.

( Buffy's P.O.V )

As soon as I got out of SunnyDale I could feel something pulling at  
me. Calling to out to the slayer and vampire in me. I could feel it and  
instinctively found myself going towards it as fast as my new abilities  
would allow. When I was a little girl I used to wish to fly like I can  
now. It's better than I ever dreamed the freedom is amazing. I speed  
over people towns homes being drawn it to the desert. It's dark by the  
time I reach my destination at a cave in the side of a mountain.

I can feel the energy coming out of this place it's dark, cold and  
foreboding but light, warm and welcoming at the same time. It's a  
paradox like i am now. If there are any answers for me as to what I am  
now this only place they exists. I can see perfectly in the darkness of  
the cave. There is a light at the end of tunnel. I increase my pace and  
enter the light. I step into a large room. The brilliance of the torches  
reflects of the gold walls giving the room the brightness of day. I can  
understand now why this place called to m as it did.

The room was the perfect balance of light and dark. Carvings of  
angels on one side of the room were matched winged demons on the other.  
A picture of peaceful celebration opposite the scene from a extremely  
bloody battle. A walked towards the center of this round room I felt at  
home here. In the center of the room was a large yin yang symbol. In  
the center of the symbol lay the bones of two figures locked in a death  
embrace. The swords wielded by each thrust through where their hearts  
used to be. It takes me a moment to realize I am standing in the  
presence of the remains of my past. A battle between one of the first  
slayers and vampires. I can feel the power rolling off them, it's  
overwhelming but strangely familiar.

As I reach out to touch them they turn to dust. Their swords started  
to float and spin. The slayer's sword was a blade of gleaming white  
metal meeting at spread silver angels wing for the guard atop a ten inch  
jewelled dragon headed ivory hilt. The vampire's was the slightly larger  
black bladed version of the slayers with bat-like wings in gold and  
skull headed ebony hilt. The weapons spun and closer and collided in  
shower of sparks and light. When the light faded there was only one  
sword was present. It was the perfect combination of the blades. The  
blade was now a reflective grey, one of each of the wings had bent down  
fused together to form a guard for the wielders hands. The skull and  
dragon were replaced by the yin yang symbol. It floated to a stop in  
front of me.

As I reached out my hand to take the sword it fly into my grasp. The  
second to I closed my hand around the hilt the past opened and dumped  
itself in to my mind. I saw and felt the first slayer savagely rip apart  
a cadre of vampires with her bare hands. I experienced her death at the  
hands of a master vampire from both perspective. I lived and died as  
those slayers who came before me. I lived and died as vamps they killed  
and were killed by. I gained their knowledge and powers. I stood witness  
as the Watchers Council forcibly entered the slayers lives. I watched as  
they judiciously bound our powers keeping some reducing others  
eliminating what felt unnecessary until we were something they could  
control. I watched as they poisoned slayers they thought were  
uncontrollable and sent them off to fight battles that would get them  
killed in their weakened condition. Felt the betrayal they did when they  
realized what the person they had come trust had done to them. I saw  
through eyes of the vampires as they won and lost at he hand of the  
weakened slayers. I revelled in the lives that I saved as slayers and  
triumphed at those I took as the vampires.

I finally understood what I was capable of as the memories stopped.  
The great amount of good and the vast amount of evil that I could do. I  
wondered if Giles would do the same to me if the council ordered it. I  
realized I would have to face the council my self. The slayer and the  
vampire in me wanted vengeance and blood for their transgressions. I  
could only find one reason to deny them. I had the knowledge and power  
but not the control I would need to do it.

I spent the better part of two days sorting through the knowledge and  
memories I had in my head and was no closer to controlling the powers I  
now had. Searching the room only turned up a deep crimson hooded cloak  
and scabbard with belt and shoulder strap. I realized that the rest of  
my answers were else where. After storing my new weapon and wrapping  
myself in the cloak I took one last look around at where learned the  
past and left.

As I took to the night sky a soft rumbling sounded as the cavern  
opening closes as if it never existed. I had the past at my finger tips.  
All I need now is the present under control and my future with Willow is  
mine for the taking.


	5. Of Destiny

DISCLAIMER: All characters belong to Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy. I  
don't own anything.  
RATING: PG-13  
SUMMARY: Buffy's quest for control is leading her to pieces of her past  
and questions of the the present.  
SPOILERS: None just a brief physical description of Faith and the death  
of her watcher and events there in. part five in the Thoughts series  
DISTRIBUTION: If you want it take just let me know where it's at.  
AUTHOR'S NOTES: I back in the writing zone again sorry for the delay. If  
you haven't read Thoughts of History you won't understand some of the  
references in this fic.  
Feedback: Please read and review. Your feedback keeps me writing.

( Buffy's P.o.V )

Destiny is equal parts free will and chance. I can only wonder what  
my destiny is now. I'm not a slayer any more and as much as I fought  
against it I will miss the simplicity of it. It was see a vamp dust it  
and free the intended victim. Now it's see a vamp dust it and decide if  
I want the victim for myself. I can still eat normal food but I can't  
digest any other type of blood except human. If the vamp in me isn't  
feed I can't keep it from showing on my face. Even when I do vamp out  
it's not as startling as a normal vampire. It's just enough to tell I am  
not human. I seen things in the past that exists in my head to make me  
think I never was. I seen slayers shift forms into animals. Melt into  
pools of water and reform. Burst into flames or start them with the  
flick of a wrist or the wave of a hand. Summon walls of ice and use them  
to crush demons. Generate winds to blow them away. Or fade away into  
mist. All thins up until now I thought only demons could do. Or fade out  
in a cloud of mist. And I am begin to manifest these as well.

So here I am in the middle of a swamp fighting a bunch of swamp thing  
rejects over a group of hikers who were just lucky to be in my path to  
another place I was being guided to on instinct. It never stops amazing  
me the stupidity of the human race. I mean who in their right mind goes  
hiking a swamp. I mean it has to be on the level of horror movie logic.  
" Let's go traipsing through a dank, poorly lit muddy area with all  
kinds of bugs and alligator and crocodiles infected with all kinds off  
diseases. and good knows what else. " If that was the logic I am glad  
not be human any more. Fear is in thick in the air and I love it. I  
can't tell tell who the hikers are more afraid of though. Whether its  
the moss green and mud covered groaning things that had them surrounded  
or me the growling hooded cloaked figure with glowing pulsating eyes and  
glistening fangs that dropped from the sky with a sword. I am pretty  
sure it's me because the swamp things are of little challenge to me. I  
decapitated three in quick succession a split a fourth in half length  
wise and a fifth at the waist. I sheath my sword and focus on the  
memories of the slayer who could command fire. They tell me visualize  
what I want to happen and it will. I imagine the last three bursting  
into flames. I watch as they fall to the ground incinerated beyond  
recognition.

I turn to the hikers and look at them closely for the first time.  
They're five teenagers not much older then me. I shake my head as I  
look at them. " Thank you for saving us whoever you are." One of the  
three girls says. " Do yourselves a favor and stay out the swamp from  
now on because you look the cast of cheesy horror movie waiting to  
happen." I says as start to lift off of the ground try to get away  
before the vamp side takes over and I drain this girl in front of me. "  
Wait! my name is Candace is there any way my friend or I can repay you  
for saving us?" she asks causing me to pause a few feet above the  
ground. The vamp side is hungry and she is a too attractive meal to  
resist. As I float closer to her I reach up and remove the hood. I don't  
see fear in her eyes. But can smell it from her friends. I focus on the  
vamp memories on mind control I look past Candace and wave my hand and  
whisper " Sleep" and they fall over unconscious. "What did you have in  
mind as payment Candace." I inquire as reach out and stroke her cheek  
enjoying the shudder that racks her statuesque frame. Now I see the fear  
in her eyes. " W..we have money if you want it." she stutters nervously.  
" And if I don't want your money." I say as I run my hand down her jaw  
line and cup her chin. " Then we have food if your hungry." she states  
s stronger than before with a smile that falters when I smile back and  
she gets a good look at my fangs. " Do you have any idea what I am." I  
ask " A vampire." "Got it in one and what do vampires eat?" "Blood" " Do  
you realize now what you just offered me." She pales slightly as  
understand what is about to transpire. " are you going to kill me" she  
asks as I tilt her head to the the side baring her neck to me. " No just  
take a little so I don't kill the next person I drink from  
accidentally." I respond as sink my fang into her flesh. She moans  
slight but is over all quite. I stop after a minute or two. Candace  
sways from side to side slowly dazed from the blood loss smiling dizzily  
at me as I place a bandage on the bite mark.

I take to the air after whispering "Wake" to her friends. I let my  
mind go blank as i let my instincts guide to the next piece of what ever  
it is I am being drawn to. I think over the last month and a half of my  
life since I left Sunnydale. With each passing day I feel a little more  
in control and balanced. These new powers not with standing I can safely  
say I wont kill any of my friends or family when I do return to the  
Hellmouth. Xander on the other hands is something else. He lied to me. I  
get that he was jealous of Angel but Xander thinks that what keep me  
from going after him when it was Willow's crush on him that did. I  
vaguely wonder how he will handle my relationship with Willow if there  
is one. I can only hope there will be but she honestly loves Oz and he  
loves her too. I think if I have to I could be able to wait and see how  
they play out. Oz is loyal but I am not so sure about his wolf side.

I am bought out of my thoughts when i feel the air stop rushing past  
me. I look around and find my self floating over a lake with small  
island I the center. As I descend I spot a small clearing with a large  
whole in the center. I land on the lip of the chasm and peer inside. I  
cane make out a small light at the bottom. I step forward into the  
breach. Enjoying the free fall I slow myself as the light envelops me. I  
find myself in round room similar to the one in the desert. The only  
difference is this room is not balanced . Along the wall are pictures  
of what I guess to be archangels from their armor and swords and dark  
colored wings between attacking demons and frightened children. In the  
center of the room is sword like the slayer's in the desert cave only  
the wings were dark blue almost black and was floating over a cloak of  
the same color.

I reached out to grab the sword and it fly to my grasp. Once again I  
was swarmed by visions. I saw a girl with dark hair and eyes huddled in  
a corner crying. I saw the girl being beaten or left alone by her  
mother. I saw the same girl now a young woman being approached by  
another woman a watcher. I watch them bond I watch her train and slay. I  
see her fighting a large vampire with deformed hands. I watch her run  
away to keep alive. I watch the vampire brutally kill the new slayers  
watcher before her eyes. I see her here scar him and flee I see her out  
side the Welcome to Sunnydale sign. As the visions end I realize the  
girl is Kendra's replacement and that it is almost time for me to return  
to my Willow but not yet.

I test the sword in my hand it's weight is familiar and almost  
comfortable but this sword isn't mine it belongs to the new slayer. So I  
place it in it's scabbard and place it and the cloak into the dufel bag  
with my clothes. I sling it over my shoulder and take off out of the  
chasm. As I leave the entire island slowly sinks into the lake. I can  
already feel the pull again to the final place in my quest for control.  
I make a vow to not fail her as I did Kendra fly off into the setting  
sun.


	6. Of Trust

DISCLAIMER: All characters belong to Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy. I  
don't  
own anything.  
SUMMARY: When trust is lost can it ever truly be regained Xander's finds  
out.  
SPOILERS: Becoming part two.  
DISTRIBUTION: If you want it take it just let me know where it's at.  
AUTHOR'S NOTES: I've been stumped as on how to continue. But I think I  
have come up with a way to handle the things I didn't like about season  
three.  
Feedback: Please read and review I need the encouragement.

( Xander's P.o.V )

Trust is a fundamental necessity in life. Friendships or other kind  
of relationships can't exist with out it. I know what I did was wrong. I  
knew it was wrong while I was doing it and did it any way. I looked her  
square in the eye and lied, one of my two best friends and betrayed her  
trust in me when she needed it the most. The jealousy and bitterness I  
had for Angel was all rooted in the fact that Buffy loved him more than  
she did me. Him a vampire the very thing she was chosen to kill. I admit  
I didn't like Angel before we found out about him being one. My ego was  
hurt so I lied. Didn't tell her Willow was going to try to curse him  
again and got Buffy turned after she realized my betrayal. But at the  
time I did my logic was if I tell her Buffy might hesitate and get  
herself killed that and I don't think Willow can do the spell any way  
besides Angelus deserves what ever he gets.

Willow found out from Buffy in a letter what happened. Willow told  
us what happened to Buffy after the battle and suddenly the world  
dropped out from under me. In my quest for vengeance I destroyed Buffy  
and damaged my friendship with Willow and the others. Even though she  
says that she still trusts me and always will. I can see in her eyes  
that she means it. But there is something else there too. Worry, fear,  
and another emotion I can't describe. She has been increasingly distant  
since she told us Buffy had been turned. Or at least she has from me.

Oz has been there for her and good for her as well. He hasn't said  
any thing to me since then outside of patrol. I have seen him watching  
me like he expects me to do something to him. But I guess I can't blame  
for that considering what I did. I don't think he will ever trust me  
again if ever did in the first place. Time will tell if that friendship  
is savable or not.

Giles has been working non stop trying to find Buffy. He said he  
understood why I did it. He hasn't said anything else about it. Between  
checking with the council, researching the Watcher's Diaries for any  
clue as to what happens when a slayer is turned and patrol preparation  
he's been busy. I doubt he even realizes school is starting again in a  
few days. I think he's just as afraid of what Willow told us about Buffy  
as the rest of us are. Angelus was bad but what could some pissed off  
slayer-vamp do. I think he still trust me but I am afraid to ask.

Cordelia is still my girlfriend so I guess that means she still  
trusts me. She has been really nice to me since the night I broke down in  
her car. I think she has seen me in a whole new light. For what I  
couldn't tell. Whether it's the fact I broke down in front of her or my  
betrayal of Buffy. Either way I think things between us are going to  
change for better or worse I don't know yet. And it bothers me.

Buffy on the other will probably never trust me again. Part of me  
wants the chance to make amends but part of me knows that there is a  
very good chance the next time I see her she will try to kill me and  
knows i should let her. I wake up in a cold sweat wondering if she is  
out there waiting to rip my throat out. I can only hope that what she is  
when she returns is still wiling to give me a chance. If not I think the  
phrase " God help me " will take on new meaning as god will be the only  
thing saving me from her wrath.


	7. Of Dreams

DISCLAIMER: All characters belong to Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy. I  
don't own anything.  
SUMMARY: Willow's dreams and nightmares of Buffy and other things.  
SPOILERS: None.  
DISTRIBUTION: If you want it take it just let me know where it's at.  
AUTHOR'S NOTES: This is number seven in the Thoughts series  
Feedback: Yes please I crave feedback. I use the praise to write faster  
and the criticism to write better.

( Willow's P.o.V )

"A dream is wish your heart makes when your when your fast asleep" or  
so the Disney movie song says. I as of late hope that isn't true with a  
vengeance. My days are spent trying to control my magic which for some  
reason has been erratic. Some days I can float a pencil others I can  
float everything in the room but the pencil. My nights are spent in ever  
changing dreams of images, people, places events I don't understand and  
nightmares of Buffy.

I dream of fire and battles in burning cities. I dream of water and  
tidal waves washing away everything. I dream of endless fields of ice  
and frozen forms within. I dream of mist and oppressive all consuming  
blankets of fog and screams of pain. I dream of wind and tornadoes  
levelling everything in their paths. I dream of women bound to altars  
surrounded by chanting figures cloaked in shadows. I dream of  
destruction and death of epic proportions. But mostly I dream of Buffy.

Those dreams are the best and the worst. I dream she she comes to me  
and we make love thru the night and into the morning. That she steps out  
shadow and sinks her fangs into my neck as she rips my heart out. Of her  
and were-Oz fighting over me. Or for me as I sit on throne and watch  
them lay waste to human and demon alike. Her eyes glowing as she takes  
me. Hands covered in blood as rips out Xander's throat. A gray blade  
gleaming in the moon light as she decapitates. Giles. The sound of  
grating bone as snaps her mother's neck. Of us laughing together as  
Sunnydale burns.

I've seen people I haven't met at Giles' apartment with us. A shy  
blonde that I'm drawn to for some inexplicable reason. A mousy brown  
haired teenage girl pouting petulantly about something Buffy's said or  
done. An obnoxious brunette hanging all over Xander. Spike's there tied  
to a chair for some reason. And Oz and Cordelia aren't there. Of Buffy  
and this stringy haired woman fighting. Of a fight between Buffy, Xander  
Giles and myself. The three of us doing a spell. Buffy fighting some  
sort of Frankenstein demon. Allot of other disjointed and distorted  
images that I can't make out.

I've tried to explain the dreams to Giles but he been so busy since  
school started and with his council connections to help me. Xander's  
keeps pestering me about trusting him even though I repeated tell him I  
do which is true. He fails to realize Buffy is the one he has to worry  
about not me. Oz...Oz has been nothing but supportive and still don't  
know what to do about the choice between him and Buffy. Oz is the first  
boy ever to like me back. He's sweet, caring and stoic to a fault. But  
Buffy is Buffy how can anyone look into her eyes and not fall for her.  
But that decision is one I hope I won't have to make any time soon.

On the plus side of thing there's a new slayer in town. Faith,  
Kendra's replacement. There something about her I just don't trust. But  
also something unnerving and familiar as well. I guess I should try to  
get to know her. I'm tired now so I should try to get some sleep now.

With that Willow placed her diary down and laid down and let the rain  
softly pelting against her window lull her into a peaceful dreamless  
sleep. She never noticed the cloaked figure hovering outside watching  
her. A flash of lighting illuminates the a lock of the figure's blonde  
hair. " Sleep well Willow your going to the rest." Buffy said as she  
flew off in the direction of the mansion.


	8. Of Home

DISCLAIMER: All characters belong to Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy. I  
don't own anything. If I did Season Six would have been a whole lot less  
awful.  
SUMMARY: A turned slayer, A hunted slayer, An ancient Vampire, A town on  
a hellmouth, A meeting and a reunion.  
SPOILERS: General Season Three tailored to fit the premise that Buffy  
was turned after she sent Angel to hell. DISTRIBUTION: Want, Take, Have.  
Just let me know where it's at.  
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Sorry about the long wait. I have been swamped by real  
life. That and the fact I had re-watch the first five seasons to get the  
bad taste of Season Six out of my mouth.  
Feedback: Thanks to those who reviewed and those who wanted more. As  
always if you like it let me know and I will continue. Or if you don't  
like it tell me and I will try write some thing you do.

(Buffy's P.o.V)

Home sweet Hellmouthy Home. Home is where the heart is and my heart  
is a cute little red head who babbles when nervous and has eyes so  
blue you could drown in them and a smile that can melt your heart. It  
has been almost two weeks since my return and I've been busy after gettig a  
few necessary items delivered to the mansion and getting myself  
situated, I began to watch my friends. Willow and Oz look happy. Cordy  
and Xander are still going strong. The new slayer Faith... She exudes an  
aura of sex and danger like I have never seen before.

Watching Faith has been an educational experience. Her power is  
driven by pain and anger. She has the potential to be a truly great  
slayer if she can work past her rage. I have learned by observing her  
that I will deal with Faith on her terms or she will be lost to the  
darkness. I am currently perched atop one the many mausoleums in one  
many cemeteries in Sunnydale watching her slay some vampires that were  
waiting for a new one to rise. I know she can sense my presence just as  
I could sense Kendra. I can fell her sword as it vibrates from her  
presence from it's pace at my hip. I decide it's time to meet as she  
dusts the newbie as it pops free from it's grave. I float down and sit  
on the head stone about twenty feet behind her.

" Hello slayer." I state as the dust settles and she jumps slightly  
at the sound of my voice and raises her stake. I smile and she tenses  
even more. " Calm down Faith if I wanted to fight we would already be  
doing it." " And who the hell are you?!" " One of your predecessors." "  
You..your Buffy." she stammers as I remove her sword and cloak from  
their place at my hip and throw them to her. She catches them with out  
fail dropping her stake in the process. The sword in her right the cloak  
in her left. Seconds after the swords in her grasp her eyes glaze over  
and start to glow. I watch as she get the same history lesson I got from  
the slayers only perspective. " What was that ? " she whispers  
breathlessly. " That was our history slayer." I state as absently  
admires the blade in her hand. '" We shall talk more after you've had  
time to let this all sink in." She looks like se want say more but I  
dissipate in to mist before she can speak.

( Faith's P.o.V )

One minute I'm dusting some vamps the next I'm talking to the  
infamous Buffy, the legend in the flesh. She is everything my watcher,  
her watcher and friends said and more. The moments she spoke it sent all  
kinds of warning bells off in my head. Then she throws a sword at me I  
see slayers slinging lightning bolts at demons. Others causing vines and  
the earth itself to trap and crush demons. Some summoning animals that  
swarm and shred demons. Slayers fighting in weakened states some wining  
some losing. No sooner than it starts its over. I barely have time to  
sort through the images before Buffy speaks and disappears. I need to  
talk to Giles I realize as a wave of exhaustion washes over me and I  
stumble in the direction of the Summers' residence to my bed. Giles can  
wait until I've rested .

( Narrator P.o.V )

As Faith makes her way she is too preoccupied to notice the shadowy  
figure following her. Only to fade back into darkness as she reaches  
here destination.  
( Dream Sequence )

A flash of red hair...a crimson splash of blood... a cloven hand.. a  
terrified scream...a groan of pain...more screams three female  
voices...pain...fear... green eyes staring into brown... a hand  
offered... relief... " Buffy you're back "

( Buffy's P.o.V )

I awake with a gasp. It's now well after sunset. Something is wrong.  
I am dressed armed and airborne faster then I realize. I let my  
instincts guide me. The pull is directing me towards the school. I land  
on the roof of the school and look down into the library and gasp. "  
Kakistos " a voice speaks And a large scarred vampire turns to answer.  
Faith is huddled to one side petrified. My mother and friends surrounded  
by his minions. I move slowly as I open the skylight and draw my sword  
as Willow is drawn away from the others and pushed into Kakistos'  
waiting grasp. I drop down on him before he can touch her. He is dust  
before any realizes I am there. Willow braces herself on the counter as  
the dust settles and I roll to an up right stop facing them all. A wave  
my hand blows the remaining vampires up and out the way I came in.

The room is quiet as I approach Faith. I extend my hand to help her  
up. Our eyes meet, green to brown and she nods and grasps my hand. She  
move to join the others after she is on her feet. All eyes are on me.  
Willow is the first to speak. " Buffy you're back." she states as she  
rushes forward to hug me. I welcome the embrace and whisper to myself "  
I'm home at last".


End file.
